About Larry
Larry Bilotta is a relationship and marriage expert, author, and speaker specializing in midlife crisis, and the creator of a series of successful programs designed to help bring couples back from the brink of divorce—and coming back stronger than before.
Through his Environment Changer courses for men and women, Marriage 101, and others, Larry has helped tens of thousands of people save their sanity, marriages and regain control over their own lives and mindset.
Larry Bilotta is a relationship and marriage expert, author, and speaker specializing in midlife crisis, and the creator of a series of successful programs designed to help bring couples back from the brink of divorce—and coming back stronger than before.
Through his Environment Changer courses for men and women, Marriage 101, and others, Larry has helped tens of thousands of people save their sanity, marriages and regain control over their own lives and mindset.
Through his Environment Changer courses for men and women, Marriage 101, and others, Larry has helped tens of thousands of people save their sanity, marriages and regain control over their own lives and mindset.
While Larry is not a licensed therapist, he spent years studying psychology, spirituality, and the science of relationships, and explored countless methods, from traditional talk therapy to all manner of workshops—until he had a breakthrough that changed his life and transformed his marriage.
Larry and his wife remained married for 40 years, until her passing in 2019. Through live workshops, talks, and online courses, Larry continues to teach his common sense, accessible, and proven approach to surviving midlife crisis, saving your relationship, and changing your life. More at LarryBilotta.com.
My story
For 27 years, I lived in a loveless marriage. It wasn’t just lacking love; it was full of things I didn’t want: discord, resentment, outright anger. When my wife and I married, we were practically kids. I had no idea what a marriage was about, let alone what it required.
I didn’t really know Marsha, and we had virtually nothing in common—except that which we hadn’t yet discovered: We both had a “chaos kid” inside of us, a combination of learned responses and beliefs, fears and value systems that were impacting our marriage directly. And it set us on a collision course for decades of hell.
We were both deeply unhappy, but divorce was not on the table. We were locked into a pattern of suffering and stress that was unbearable, and endless. Why? Because we’d both come from parents who believed that you simply stayed married — and miserable.
My story
For 27 years, I lived in a loveless marriage. It wasn’t just lacking love; it was full of things I didn’t want: discord, resentment, outright anger. When my wife and I married, we were practically kids. I had no idea what a marriage was about, let alone what it required.
I didn’t really know Marsha, and we had virtually nothing in common—except that which we hadn’t yet discovered: We both had a “chaos kid” inside of us, a combination of learned responses and beliefs, fears and value systems that were impacting our marriage directly. And it set us on a collision course for decades of hell.
We were both deeply unhappy, but divorce was not on the table. We were locked into a pattern of suffering and stress that was unbearable, and endless. Why? Because we’d both come from parents who believed that you simply stayed married — and miserable.
Then, something interesting happened.
After one of our three-day fights, 27 years into a difficult marriage, Marsha and I were standing, exhausted, in the kitchen late one night when she broke the silence.
“You wonder why I'm so angry? They were angry.”
They were her parents—her father, a quiet man given to bouts of rage, and a mother who was angry nearly all the time. One day she watched her mother throw a metal truck at her brother’s head in a fit of anger, sending him straight to the hospital.
Marsha learned as a kid that this was how you coped. Her parents didn’t talk about emotions, ever, in fact, no discussion ventured much further than mayonnaise and broken doors. Her mother wouldn’t talk to her father and vice versa. Mayonnaise and broken doors. Anything more than that was strictly off limits.
"Mayonnaise and broken doors. Anything more than that was strictly off limits."
"You wonder why I'm so angry? They were angry.”
They were her parents — her father, a quiet man given to bouts of rage, and a mother who was angry nearly all the time."
This was the first time I heard an explanation I could understand, and it gave me a glimmer of hope. If Marsha had learned anger from her parents, then I likely picked up a host of habits, ideas, and responses from my own parents (one of whom was an alcoholic and the other, a gambler).
It highlighted for me how Marsha’s childhood had made her so willful and angry—and produced her irresponsible, undisciplined husband who was constantly seeking approval, at any cost.
What if we didn’t hate each other at all, but we were fighting over our parents’ value systems that began when we were kids?
Everything changed.
That opened the floodgates for me.
I started reading everything I could get my hands on about psychology, spirituality, and relationships.
I tried therapy and workshops. I even went on marital retreats—by myself!
I was still struggling mightily in my marriage, but I was on a mission: I wanted to understand the effect childhood events have on our subconscious mind, and what I learned about the connection between childhood and midlife changed my perspective forever.
But my perspective wasn’t the only thing that changed. It took 27 years, but in the 28th year of my marriage, I was able to put into practice what I’d learned and turned my entire relationship around. I felt different, as did she—and we began what would be the happiest years of our marriage, until she passed away in 2019. Even though we still had nothing in common, and completely opposite value systems.
It didn’t matter.
And it was not the result of couples counseling, or because we promised to act or say anything differently. No one had to make someone sorry, or “come clean.” Nor was it a sexual or romantic shift that caused it. In fact, it wasn’t physical at all.
It had everything to do with my mind.
I learned how to instantly change the environment of my mind, causing negativity to evaporate like a puddle in the blazing sunlight. I was different. My marriage was different. And as a result, my life was profoundly different.
There was no backslide or reverting back, simply because the environment of my mind no longer supported it. My life became a place I could live in happily, a place I wanted to be. And one I wanted to share—with her. And the effects didn't stop at my marriage.
I found greater peace and fulfillment as a person.
This isn’t the kind of thing you can keep to yourself, and why would I? I knew I wasn’t alone here and that there were scores of people suffering needlessly. I believed I could help other people find that same peace and joy. And I have—for the past 20+ years.
Not just a few people, either—but tens of thousands. Some of them desperately afraid of losing their spouses, others who believed they already had. Still others whose divorce papers had been filed, and their spouse had all but moved on with someone else.
And then? They changed their internal environment and the outside world changed, too. Some people’s partners did ultimately leave—and even they experienced a profound shift. Rather than mired in heartbreak and helplessness, they feel in control of their minds and their lives, and they become happier and calmer than they’ve ever been.
And I know you can, too.
❝
We are a much different, and MUCH BETTER couple than we've ever been! I didn't get him to change. I changed.
"The Environment Changer course WORKED!!!! Last Saturday, my husband's grown niece said 'I am so happy you two are back together again! I can't believe you finally got him to change!' I laughed and said, I didn't get him to change. I changed. She didn't believe me. We were at the divorce stage. He had moved out.
There were MANY times, I had doubts that we would ever get back together. I cried every day. I am sure he was 100% done. But I kept working the program and did the work. Yesterday he woke me up bursting with excitement to tell me he got my Valentine's Day present (in years past, V-day was commercial BS). Today, he printed out photos of 'us' that he thought would be nice to have around the office. We are a much different, and MUCH BETTER couple than we've ever been!
JANA B.
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