Have you wondered what attracted you to your spouse?
It wasn’t the usual things like good looks, great personality or a lot of things in common. It’s something deeper within you.
Much deeper – to the point that you don’t even realize it’s there.
Let’s imagine this for a moment…
Your mother and father were very disconnected from one another during your first 10 years. Your mother had to raise you like a single mother because her relationship with your father was distant and aloof.Â
You had no warm moments of family closeness between mom and dad throughout those first 10 years. With a childhood like this, you have the brain instructions for disconnection. That means that you will be attracted to another person with this estrangement instruction in your brain.
Now let’s say your spouse’s mother (we’ll call her Claire) was pessimistic, hypercritical and very oppressive to her. She divorced and remarried like popcorn. THAT, is also a recipe for estrangement and disconnection.
Claire had the perfect program match for the machine your parents created in your brain.
Remember –Â the machine in your brain will find you the woman or man who will most closely re-create your childhood home and you have nothing to say about it because none of us are free.Â
After all, it is these “brain machines” from our childhood that reward us with dopamine, Oxycontin and endorphins, that we call “love”, and using this chemical system, it chooses our mates for us.Â
It’s not love. It’s brain chemicals. But we all believe it’s love.
But what is love?Â
Is it the magnificent chemical high that makes us obsess over one person or is it a decision to commit to one individual and serve that person because we value them so highly – regardless of how we feel. The rising divorce rate we face these days certainly speaks to the answer of this question.
Whether you’ve given up hope on your marriage or you’re entering into a new relationship, the programs from your childhood – and likely the issues you faced in previous relationships – will follow you from one relationship to the next.
Until you shut off the machine in your brain, you won’t be free from, what in this scenario, is the intimate relationship disconnection system that is your destiny.
Now it’s your turn.
Have you noticed patterns from one relationship to the next?
Are there similarities between your parents’ relationship and your own?
Let me know in the comments below.
Good article Larry. Lori and I are so grateful for your time working with us in 2006. We are doing great now. Life couldnt be better. I highly recommend Larry’s marriage insights to anyone thinking about getting divorced. It truely is lifechanging stuff.
Thank you so much David for your kind comment and the fact that you stuck with it and made it all work. My hat is off to you because you stand on solid moral grounds. – Larry
Hi Larry, I have used your advice for my marriage. It really seems to help. Althought I still find it difficult to overcome my negative feelings. It is slowly going better. The day that it is working (together with giving my husband lots of compliments and I make sure I look really good) He seems to open up to me and his “shark eyes” dissapear and he seems likes his old self again.
But when he is happy then sometimes strange happens. I become scared he will become unhappy again and I can’t get rid of that negative feeling. My question is how can I deal with that emotion?
I hope my question makes any sence.
Hi Miranda,
You are starting to get an idea of how to eliminate the negative energy in you that brings you trouble in life. You are asking me how you can deal with the fear emotion. I would encourage you to set up a free hour call with me so I can learn more about the details of what you’re facing and what you have dealt with.
If you are serious about saving your marriage or have questions for me, you can watch a video presentation on the link below and then register for a private one hour call via the link below to see if my approach is a good fit for you. I will help you make sense of your situation and so you can understand how you arrived at this point in your marriage and what you can do about it.
Private 1 Hour Consultation for Women
– Larry