Today we’ll be covering 7 marriage mistakes that many men and women make when their spouse has filed for divorce or told them the marriage is over.

You know that “little voice inside your head” that puts negative thoughts in your head from time to time?

Well that little voice only gets STRONGER and louder – as your marriage gets worse.

This little voice tells you what to do.

It tells you how to sabotage your marriage.

Mistake #1: Focusing on what’s wrong

This mistake can be avoided by practicing the techniques taught inside The Secret . If you’re new to The Secret, it teaches you that you must have gratitude for what you have and you must focus on what you want, NOT what you DON’T WANT.

If you dwell on what your spouse does wrong – you’re going to get more of it.

Yes, I know this sounds simple, but it is a very powerful concept.

You must focus on good things in the future that are going to happen.

Think of it this way.

Imagine that you’ve just ordered a new book from your favorite self help author.

While you wait for your book to arrive, you anticipate the arrival of that book by thinking about the complete transformation your life is going to take on once you read and apply the life-changing concepts and strategies in the book.

For some, this may sound like an exaggeration, but this can apply to ANY new purchase you make.

Let’s take the example of buying a new sports car.

In this case, you envision yourself cruising along the highway in your brand new car.

You think of the infamous new car smell you’ll experience each time you set foot in your new vehicle.

In a more practical car, you might think of how much money you’re going to save in gas through your smaller, more economical vehicle.

No matter what the scenario, the key here is that you are envisioning the benefits of something you don’t currently possess.

Mistake #2) Telling your spouse to STOP doing things wrong

Focus on what you DO want and have gratitude for what you have.

Do you really think you’re going to change your spouse’s behavior by telling them to STOP doing this…or stop doing that?

Of course not!

Chances are, telling your spouse what NOT to do will only add fuel to the fire making things worse.

Tell me, when in history, has it been effective to tell someone what was wrong with them only to have them suddenly turn around and become wonderful?

Mistake #3) Being Overly Defensive

As you know, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

When you’re dwelling on problems, you’re going get more problems.

Are you starting to see a pattern yet?

If you defend yourself by attacking your spouse, naturally, your spouse will do the same to you.

Rather than immediately defending yourself, understand that your spouse is only acting this way because their needs are no longer being met.

Think of it as a wake up call that it’s time to do something positive in your marriage…before it’s too late.

Mistake#4) Talking about how hard your life is

It’s easy to get caught up in the trap of looking for pity from other people.

All you want is someone to validate your thoughts and actions.

At home, it’s very likely that the only words you hear out of your spouse’s mouth are “you did this wrong, you’re doing that wrong, it’s all YOUR fault”.

So naturally, it comes as a great relieve when a “third party” tells you, “S/he has no business treating you that way!”

It feels very good when they do that.

You say to yourself, “Finally I’ve got someone on MY side.” 

You feel like you’re right. You feel validated.

But once you get a little pity, you become addicted and you come back for more.

Before you know it, you find yourself going back to this person again and again for support.

If this person is of the opposite sex, this could eventually turn into the beginning of an affair.

Mistake #5) Dating or pornography

Very often people who are suffering from a troubled marriage turn to the internet for relief. They either go to online dating sites for singles or they might turn to – or become addicted to – pornography.

Rather than spending energy trying to improve their marriage, they focus on other people of the opposite sex which leaves them with very little to give to their spouse.

They are now focused on every other woman/man other than the one they are supposed to love. They compare these “fantasies” to their spouse and the spouse comes up short.

All their energy is now being directed towards chasing others for the thrill of the chase.

Some people also seek out relief through spending money which often drives them into debt.

All they’re doing is putting a temporary fix on a bigger problem. It’s the same as an eating or even drug addiction. You eat, shop, do drugs, etc. to temporarily shut off the pain.

All of these mistakes will only add to the laundry list of problems you’re already faced with.

Whether you’re damaging your finances or your body, you’re not dealing with the true source of your pain…the important issue of all…your marriage.

Mistake #6) Predicting a bleak future

Are you sealing your fate by predicting a bleak future?

If you’re guilty of this, you’re likely telling yourself, your spouse, your friends, your co-workers and your family that, “if this is happening now, its going to happen in the future.”

No matter who you’re saying this to, it is one of the most common, yet damaging mistakes that will absolutely seal your fate if you don’t do something to change your mindset today.

If you focus on a bleak future, you’re going to get a bleak future. The Law Of Attraction in it’s simplest form is, “what goes around, comes around”. If you’re focusing on all the things that are WRONG in your life, all the negative, you’re only setting yourself up to get more of it.

Mistake #7) Begging and pleading

What you’re really here is asking for normal without understanding what went wrong.

It’s no different from a child who got deep into trouble and in an effort to clean up the mess, they act like nothing happened.

Children don’t want to face consequences for what they’ve done. This is truly the epitome of living in a fairy tale world.

There is NO SUCH THING as “I just want to get back to normal” without knowing what normal IS and knowing how you got to normal in the first place!

You need to know what you did right and what you did wrong to prevent it from happening again in the future.

Begin by having gratitude for what you have.

To get you started, here’s the phrase from the secret. “I am so happy and grateful now that I have _____”

Here is a partial list:

These are the thingsthat all of us take for granted.

And when you take these things for granted, they become invisible and discontentment takes over your life.

When you become discontent, you look for everything to become discontent about.

Now you’re condemning what you have.

You can avoid this by focusing on what you want.

But first, you have to decide what it is that you want.

If you want your wife to care about you, you have to envision her caring about you in the future.

This means you have to imagine a future of her talking with you, holding your hand and looking at you.

But it’s important that as you do this, you have to not focus on the immediate (negative) events of the present.

Now in order to focus on what you want and have gratitude for what you have, you’re going to have to shut off that force, or that little voice inside your head, that urges you to make bad decisions.

This little voice is what you need to control and eliminate from your life as much as you can.

If your marriage is in trouble, that voice is the reason. If you don’t understand what it is, what it does or how it works, you’re never going to be able to avoid each and every one of these deadly sins.

I can teach you how to eliminate your negative feelings.

This quick read will get you started on this path, but if you want the whole answer, and you want it to be personal to you, then I encourage you to become a student of my Environment Changer program.

Here’s how to get started

Watch the free on-demand class for men or the training webinar for women to learn more about my approach along with more mistakes to avoid pushing your spouse further away.