Over the last five years, I have conducted hundreds of interviews and discovered that people’s marriages take on all of the details of their parents’ marriages.

If their parents were married and miserable, they stay married and miserable. If one of their parents was an abuser, they will be an abuser or marry an abuser.

These are programs in your brain that require you to live this way.

There are exceptions to this rule of course with what I call “buckers” but for the majority of people, this is true.

In every case, when we talk about their childhood, I find it is full of childhood pain, all kinds of pain.

This pain does not leave you.

• It forms a living machine in your brain that forces you to relive your childhood no matter WHO you marry.
• If you are a woman who suffers with guilt today, chances are your mother was a woman loaded with guilt.
• As an adult today, you are forced to make decisions you don’t even realize you’re making and you end up suffering with guilt no matter what you do.  

Each day, I get emails from people who write to me in great detail about how badly they feel in their current situation. The common theme in 95% of the emails is “someone is hurting me and I long for relief.”

The true source of happiness

But the reality is, this is the age when we are learning from media, friends and family that you should either have someone who makes you happy or you should go find someone else to make you happy.

People are often resistant to hear that relief will never come from marrying your perfect “match”.  They want the pain to stop and they want someone else to do it.

This is not true of all people however.  There are some people who, when I say, “there is no solution in the situation”, know EXACTLY what I mean. They’ve made all the mistakes and they’ve seen this happen in their own life. These people want to break the chaos cycle and save their kids from the chaos they have endured as an adult.

The students I work with are ready to transform their lives by learning about the source of human behavior. They want to truly become themselves and make real choices without their childhood pain pushing them to make old choices.

Very few people are ready for this. The majority are ready to do what they were programmed to do in their first 10 years.

Ask yourself – WHY is this happening?

Instead of focusing on what your spouse has done to you to create so much pain, look at WHY this is happening.

• What was your spouse’s childhood like when they were growing up?
• What was YOUR childhood like?
• What were both of your parents like?
• What was THEIR marriage like?

If you’ve nearly given up hope, how will you make sure you don’t make the same mistakes and marry the same person the second time around?

Looking at what happened in the marriage does not hold the answer to this question. You must look to the source instead.