Let’s face it. Every married couple would like to have their needs met by their spouse. But the problem is, most people are just too wrapped up in trying to get their own needs met, let alone, the needs of their spouse.

Why?

Because all married couples enter a marriage with Ultimate Expectations.

Most married couples don’t discuss these expectations…because they don’t know they exist!

Deep down inside you may know what you want from your spouse, but until you actually SEE your needs written down on paper, these expectations remain a mystery.

If your spouse told you they’re not in love with you, what it means is “you’re not meeting my needs.”

And when one spouses’ needs are not being met, they’ll often turn to other people who will meet their needs…(although it doesn’t last for long.)

And that is the beginning of an affair

Now you might be wondering…

“How can another person who hardly even knows my spouse do this when even I can’t do it?!?

In the Secret Path to Divorce report, I discussed Ultimate Expectations spouses enter into a marriage with – but never actually discuss.

A husband’s ultimate expectations:

• Staying just as sexy, playful and interesting as you were when you were dating.
• Time that is free of any domestic demands so he can do what he really loves to do.
• Compliments and encouragement about what he does, has done or is about to do.
• Complete emotional support for what he values in life.

A wife’s Ultimate Expectations:

• Patience under all conditions.
• The ability to listen as if everything she said really mattered.
• Compliments and encouragement about what she does, has done or is about to do.
• Complete emotional support for what she values in life.

Chances are, if your spouse is unhappy in your relationship, you are NOT meeting these expectations.

And the reason you’re not is because your spouse is not meeting your needs.

You may not want to admit it, but there is probably a mutual feeling of resentment between the two of you…it goes kind of like this…

“If my spouse isn’t meeting my needs, why should I even bother with theirs?”

Sound familiar?

The ONLY reason your spouse would think someone else can meet their needs (as in the case of an affair) is because they haven’t gotten over the romance stage of their relationship yet.

Since they haven’t entered the difficult ultimate expectations stage, they would still be meeting each others’ needs…for now.

You see, there IS a way to reverse this vicious cycle of unmet needs.

After all, an affair is just a ‘side effect’ of unmet ultimate expectations.

But here’s the real key and way out of this

The secret is in changing the way you react to their behavior.

It’s true.

Many people are skeptical when I tell them they have what it takes to save their marriage alone.

This is especially true when the “leaving spouse” has already moved out or is in an affair.

But I’ve seen, time and time again…people who single-handedly transform their marriage.

Think about it for a minute.

Your spouse comes home from a bad day at work. It’s your day off.

Rather than an affectionate hug, kiss or even peck on the cheek, your spouse greets you with “Must be nice to sit around all day and not have to work! You wouldn’t want to clean up the house a little bit, would you?!? I have to work all day and now I have to come home to this (referring to a few piles of clutter laying around the house.)!

This infuriates you because this is your day off…your day of RELAXATION. On your vacation day, your husband/wife expects you to CLEAN?!? Forget that!

You snap back with some quick-witted comment about how much more stressful your job is and how you have a right to your day off.

And that’s how it goes. This simple event (your spouse coming home) escalates into a heated argument resulting in both of you saying things you’ll regret in the long run.

But now picture this….

Rather than snapping back at your spouse, you accept that your spouse has had a difficult day at work.

You realize that arguing over whose job is more difficult will do no good for your relationship, so you choose to change the subject instead with something like, “I’m sorry to hear you had a tough day, but by the way, I was thinking this weekend we could go to…” Or, (fill in the blank with some little bit of news that might brighten your spouse’s day.)

Yes, I know at first this sounds very difficult. 

When your spouse says something to “set you off” it’s hard to bite your tongue and not snap back at your spouse.

But that’s why it’s so important you learn the foundation of eliminating your negative feelings. Without this skill, doing ANYTHING positive for your marriage is very difficult.

The failure of marriage counseling

And that’s one of the reasons why marriage counseling has such dismal success rates.

Marriage counselors focus on changing your BEHAVIOR.

But the problem is, changing your behavior is just not that simple when you’re filled up with so much resentment towards your spouse as most couples are when on the verge of divorce.

Sometimes I think I sound like a broken record because I’m always telling my students that they must learn how to change their EMOTIONS FIRST, before they can change their behavior.

It’s so much easier this way.

If you’re interested in learning this skill and transforming your marriage on your own as I did with my own marriage, I encourage you to begin by watching this on-demand class for men or for women on the mistakes you might be making in your own marriage.

Or least see if it is something you’re ready for. Unfortunately, not everyone has what it takes to transform their marriage alone.

You need to be committed, you need to be ready and willing to learn and most importantly, you need to be a good student because after all, if YOU don’t apply what you learn to create a stronger marriage, who will?