Larry Bilotta

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Larry Bilotta

I hope you enjoy reading this blog post. If you want to work with me, click here.

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Confronting midlife crisis wife

Paul’s Question for Larry…

“Hi Larry I took your course on how to survive my wife’s midlife crisis about 10 months ago. I have noticed a subtle change in my wife. She is still a chaos kid, but not the complete nightmare she was. She is still extremely selfish, though I was just wondering as this eases, is it OK to talk to her about the pain she has caused in our family?


Our daughter was really hurt by my wife’s neglect. She used to be the best mom in the world. I would like to say thanks the course really helped me stabilize myself and the kids in this horrible situation. When she says something horrible to me now and I tell her that really hurt me, I can tell by the way she says sorry, she knows it was wrong. In the past, she would just have laughed at it. I just don’t want to set the progress I have made with my wife back 6 months. Thanks again Larry, I look forward to hearing from you.”

Larry’s Answer for Paul,

Paul, thanks for your excellent question.

You are asking a specific question about telling your wife how much damage he has done.  We all have a need for a kind of revenge when people hurt us and I’m not surprised you’re bringing that up.  What I would say to you is that telling her what damage she did and how many people she hurt does not give you what you want.  That’s because, as the course explains, this need/desire is full of against energy.

I have a better plan that I’d like you to consider.

Imagine that your wife was diagnosed with mental illness.  She was admitted to a psychiatric hospital.  The psychiatrist met with you and said “Paul, I would like you to come here every Saturday to sit and visit with your wife.  Bring family photo albums or any things that would remind her of the past life you had as a family.  She may stare off into space when you are talking but don’t let that bother you. 

She might act weird or say offensive things, but don’t be distracted by that.  She is going through a real mental illness and we don’t know when her brain will finally adjust and bring her back to normal.  In the meantime it’s important that you meet with her every Saturday and give her the security that she has a family that cares about her“.

If this happened to you, you would immediately realize two things:

  1. You are a single father whose wife is in a mental hospital.
  2. You have compassion for your wife in all things and revenge is the last thing on your mind.

So see your wife as a woman in a mental hospital and you will see her with compassion all the time.  It’s not her fault that she is here. She had no control over the childhood home she grew up in. Your job is to have compassion and to stick by her as she gets through this.

I’m glad to see the midlife crisis course helped you in a good way.


  • Larry, what if you just want to tell them of the hurt they caused so that they can make amends to those people. I have a similar situation and telling him is not for revenge as you say but so that he can heal not only his relationship with me but with his children whom he has hurt.

  • Hi Anon,

    Regardless of your motive to remind your husband of the hurt he has caused, he will need to make amends on his own time when he is ready. If the motivation to do this comes from you, there is a chance it could be perceived as a threat and backfire. Often it’s difficult to hear the tone of your voice or expression on your face, so instead of addressing all the hurt he has caused, encourage him to connect with your children in positive ways and healing will ultimately come through that connection.

  • Deanna jensen says:

    Hi Larry
    I’ve recently Started reading soft hearted woman and husband in midlife crisis in some ways I’ve seen a little change in my partner but the affair seems to be going on strong sometimes he openly discusses issues of what’s going on between them soooooo hurtful I try very hard to not be upset angry weirded out .the affair is with his co worker after a month of the affair he asked (and family friend)her to have his child and she accepted he said he didn’t want to leave me and our girls he just wanted this too he actually asked me to help raise their child she ended up not pregnant but the affair is still on going she tells him every few weeks it’s over and he begs her back she has called and text me to try and help her because she didn’t trust him (she trust me more to not lie to her ) This is so messed up I’m losing my mind I’ve been trying to apply controlling my ITV but sometimes things are very overwhelming
    to say the least and I totally see them draw together more if I say anything against their fantasy relationship going 7 months and I’m crushed and now it’s affecting our girls PLEASE any suggestions would be so appreciated help help help I’m totally still committed to this man Thank you Dea

  • My husband was in an emotional affair for half a year, after I discovered he was in tears and feeling terrible, I was able to forgive him and work on our relationship, but the months after that he became amother person! Je doubted our marriage it was all my fault. So I have listened for 5 months almost every day to the audio course about hoe to survive a midlifecrises. It helped, he stays in the house and mostly in the night he tells me that he don’t want to lose me. He go’s out often, drinks to much and has sucj a emotional distance at daytime. I don’t get it anymore. I also think he has a kind of narcisme and he acts like he is in love with his own image, he tells everyone how good he is in his job and how everyone admires him. He love to speak and never listends to enybody els. Even to me his wife he acts like he is now brave and full off self confidence but I don’t believe it is really true! Can a midlifecrises cause this? We have nirmal convetsationa mostly about his work, talk about relation we also have but it brings us to nothing. What can I do to convince him that he is not himself? Or should I just go on like I do gor 5 months now and stay calm

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