Paul’s Question for Larry…
“Hi Larry I took your course on how to survive my wife’s midlife crisis about 10 months ago. I have noticed a subtle change in my wife. She is still a chaos kid, but not the complete nightmare she was. She is still extremely selfish, though I was just wondering as this eases, is it OK to talk to her about the pain she has caused in our family?
Our daughter was really hurt by my wife’s neglect. She used to be the best mom in the world. I would like to say thanks the course really helped me stabilize myself and the kids in this horrible situation. When she says something horrible to me now and I tell her that really hurt me, I can tell by the way she says sorry, she knows it was wrong. In the past, she would just have laughed at it. I just don’t want to set the progress I have made with my wife back 6 months. Thanks again Larry, I look forward to hearing from you.”
Larry’s Answer for Paul,
Paul, thanks for your excellent question.
You are asking a specific question about telling your wife how much damage he has done. We all have a need for a kind of revenge when people hurt us and I’m not surprised you’re bringing that up. What I would say to you is that telling her what damage she did and how many people she hurt does not give you what you want. That’s because, as the course explains, this need/desire is full of against energy.
I have a better plan that I’d like you to consider.
Imagine that your wife was diagnosed with mental illness. She was admitted to a psychiatric hospital. The psychiatrist met with you and said “Paul, I would like you to come here every Saturday to sit and visit with your wife. Bring family photo albums or any things that would remind her of the past life you had as a family. She may stare off into space when you are talking but don’t let that bother you.
She might act weird or say offensive things, but don’t be distracted by that. She is going through a real mental illness and we don’t know when her brain will finally adjust and bring her back to normal. In the meantime it’s important that you meet with her every Saturday and give her the security that she has a family that cares about her“.
If this happened to you, you would immediately realize two things:
- You are a single father whose wife is in a mental hospital.
- You have compassion for your wife in all things and revenge is the last thing on your mind.
So see your wife as a woman in a mental hospital and you will see her with compassion all the time. It’s not her fault that she is here. She had no control over the childhood home she grew up in. Your job is to have compassion and to stick by her as she gets through this.
I’m glad to see the midlife crisis course helped you in a good way.