Have you ever wondered why women like shopping – but men hate it?
Studies have been done on the science behind why women love to shop.
Men find this hard to understand, but for women, shopping becomes a mix of challenge (finding the best buy), joy (discovering something a loved one would love) and need (the urgency of food and shelter). Women are not obsessed with money. It’s not the money they want.
What they want is:
- The beauty that money creates in their homes.
- The clothes, shoes and products that make them personally attractive as well as making the lives of their families more enjoyable. Watch and listen to those who call in to QVC shopping channel for proof of this.
- The comments and admiration they get from friends and relatives.
- The reaction that children and adults have to a thoughtful gift they give.
- They want to know that everyone will eat, everyone has appropriate clothing and everyone can go out to eat, which women love to do because it brings them together.
Why women need financial security
For women, financial security also means the same as when men think of the term.
Women want to know that the family’s future has been secured because home, life, health, dental, disability, car and long term care insurance policies are all paid for. Their financial security also requires savings accounts and retirement funds.
IT ALL COSTS MONEY.
For women, financial security is the need to have these warm feelings that support their relationships. Take this away from a woman and you’re destroying one of her greatest needs.
Men don’t understand women’s version of financial security. Men cannot understand women’s great interest in beauty or things such as owing multiple pairs of shoes when men have so few.
Just like women make the big mistake of not giving their husbands respect, men make the mistake of not supporting their wives’ need to create beauty and support their relationships.
When men do this, they’re actually destroying their wives’ financial security. Because men can live without the things women call a priority, they think women should be the same way.
In troubled marriages, both spouses are so busy trying to get their own needs met, they’ve completely overlooked their spouse’s needs. And they’re both totally unaware of it!
Why women need emotional security
Emotional security requires 5 ingredients that men very rarely understand. What further complicates this for a man is that women have no idea how to explain their own need for emotional security to their husbands.
Let’s look at the key to a woman’s heart: The recipe for her emotional security.
Ingredient #1: Thoughtfulness
Every woman has her own way to describe this but generally, she wants a man thinking of her not only when she’s not around, but also…when she IS.
When a man understands that thoughtfulness will make his wife truly happy, he will make her breakfast, take her out for coffee when she least expects it, notice she is tired and take over some of her normal chores, give her surprise back rubs at the kitchen table, bring her home a little gift on a Tuesday and so much more.
This is a key part of her ability to feel emotionally secure. But do you know what’s ironic about this?
All those things I described above are what husbands do when they’re trying to win over their wives in the first place….BEFORE marriage.
Ingredient #2: Thoughtfulness for others
Women are not just into themselves but also their children, relatives, friends, pets, anything or anyone that can be cared for. When a man takes an interest in asking about any person she cares about and does it with concern, she lights up like a Christmas tree.
To put it simply…
Caring for the people your wife cares about is a big “turn on”.
Think and talk positively about the people and things she cares about and you will be creating emotional security for the love of your life.
Ingredient #3: Listening
Everyone knows women love to talk, but that’s not the part that women love. What they love is having someone listen with interest as they talk.
Men make the mistake of believing that women are talking in order to communicate important information.
They are not.
Women do not talk for the purpose of exchanging information. That is just a side task. Women talk because they are wired to pour themselves into other people.
They do that by talking and having a caring person listen to anything that comes out of their mouth. What a woman says is not the issue. This is NOT about “communicating”.
When you as a man listen to your wife, you’re creating emotional security. Every time you listen and say “Oh, no kidding!” or “So then what did you do?”, you’re fulfilling one of your wife’s greatest needs by allowing her to, in effect, pour herself into you.
Ingredient #4: Safety
Women want to feel physically safe. Part of what attracts a woman to a particular man is that he makes her feel protected.
He will stand up for her against anyone who would hurt her. Even more important than being PHYSICALLY safe, women want to feel EMOTIONALLY safe.
This is a tough job for a man. In order to find out how emotionally safe a woman is with her man, just check her “Safe Score”.
Do this by asking one question: How safe do you feel on a 100% to 0% scale with 100% being that you can say anything you want to me, any WAY you want, any TIME you want and you won’t even have a hint of fear, of reprisal, attack or criticism? If that description would be 100%, what’s your score?”
In my experience with couples, miserably frustrated women give scores of around 5% to 40%. A DISMAL average and a key predictor of the one million, five-hundred thousand divorces that happen every year in America.
Ingredient #5: Encouragement
Women want their man to notice what they are attempting to do, trying to become and making every effort to improve.
A woman wants her man to show that even her little attempts to be successful at anything (losing weight, dressing up, new hair style, cooking efforts, entertaining skills, gift choices, etc.,) are good, better and even best.
When her man is constantly noticing her, he will look for things he can encourage no matter how small. In fact, the smaller the better. Thoughtfulness of her, of others, listening, safety and encouragement are the secret recipe that creates emotional security for a woman.
So what’s wrong with this picture?
While I was explaining a man’s 2 greatest needs and a woman’s 2 greatest needs, did you notice something?
- If you’re a woman, did you get that inner resentment churning against your man because he has been starving you of your financial security, emotional security or both?
- If you are a man reading about your wife’s 2 greatest needs, did you feel full of contempt and say to yourself “Stop reading this garbage because you haven’t had respect or sexual intimacy in what feels like ages?”
If you had these feelings, it is a confirmation and RED FLAG that you have driven far down the wrong road.
Now it’s time for you take a whole new route. I hope this will be a wake-up call for BOTH of you.
(IF…your spouse is willing to read it that is.)
IMPORTANT: If your spouse has already filed for divorce, or has even considered it, do not share this (or any other materials) with your spouse.
Why? Because any effort you make to try to change their mind will be met with rejection which could make things even WORSE.
People are only open to learning when they are ready. And if your spouse is not open right now, it’s up to YOU to save your family alone.
This IS possible. I’m living proof that it only takes ONE to heal a marriage and I’ve taught students how to do this for years. By now, you’ve learned that you each have VERY different responsibilities in your relationship. You must start meeting these needs if want to fix your marriage.
If you’ve read this far and you feel resentment and a definite lack of goodwill toward your spouse, you are in this picture.
Notice how both the man and woman are spending all their energy complaining about how their own needs are not being met.
That wall represents the big obstacle they both can’t break through. Taking that wall down means you both must do something completely different than you have been doing.
You must take down that wall and build a “two lane highway” that flows in BOTH directions for open communication between husband and wife – a clear path over what used to be a dead end.
Building these two “highways” will require both desire and work from both of you.
Now it’s your turn.
Have you tried giving your wife financial or emotional security?
If you asked your wife to give you a safe score, how would you fare?
How safe do you feel on a 100% to 0% scale with 100% being that you can say anything you want to me, any WAY you want, any TIME you want and you won’t even have a hint of fear, of reprisal, attack or criticism? If that description would be 100%, what’s your score?”