I received the following message from a man named Robert who has reached “The Snap Line”, the end of the rope. Robert requested that I share his message as an inspiration to wake up other spouses so they don’t wait until it’s too late to do something about their marriage trouble.
How do marriages fall apart?
A man gets married believing his wife is perfect the way she is. A woman gets married believing she can fix what’a wrong with him.
When you combine troubling programs from both childhoods, you are now ready for a recipe that is a marriage killer.
Men pretend everything is fine and ignore all of their wife’s signals. (Women do the same.)
The more their wife gives those signals, (suggestions, blame, nagging, crying, yelling, criticism, etc.) the more the man shuts down and the more the woman loses her emotional connection to him.
Once that emotional connection is gone, a man (or woman) will call me.
Read Robert’s message below to get a perspective from a leaving spouse because if YOU are the one who wants to save the marriage, there’s a good chance this is exactly how your spouse feels right now…
“For 29 years, I have yelled and screamed that my wife’s lack of sex and respect for me comes partially from how her Dad sexually abused her.
She would go to counseling a couple of times and quit. I would go along as well, but she seemed to think if only I change our marriage would work. She always had the victim stance and I was the bad guy because I got mad and she was the innocent one who never lost her temper just like her Mom until her Dad left her Mom. Well I reached the point where I don’t have the desire to fight for the marriage though it’s going to hurt due to our history together and a loss is a loss no matter what.
Now SHE has taken the initiative to go to counseling without me asking. She has now asked if I was hungry and if she could make dinner (she only cooked for the kids and even now the family joke at gatherings is “This is the only time Robert gets a home cooked meal”. Her pat answer for yrs was “there’s the fridge go for it.” Again just like her Mom when her parents were married. She has a slight stutter in her speech and when she gets nervous in a group it is very noticeable and it’s embarrassing to me. I’ve for yrs mentioned this to her and she has chosen to ignore it.
Now again that I have basically given up trying and want to divorce, she has made an appointment with a speech therapist. She now has become smothering and won’t give me my space. She said it’s my responsibility to let her know when she’s does something that bothers me. I have been for 29yrs and she hasn’t listened until I’ve already packed my bags. After 29yrs she said to me ” Guys are really turned on by sight and your turned on by me wearing pantyhose and a dress.” I can’t believe women have no clue what makes a man tick. 29yrs to learn that!
What was she thinking about all these yrs? I’m writing this for the spouse who is what Larry Bilotta calls “The Stayer” or the couple who is beginning to notice trouble.
Don’t wait until one of you decide you don’t have the energy or the desire to fight for this relationship anymore. Listen when your spouse shares what is bothering them AND if they are constantly repeating the same issues over and over again, you better listen or face the consequences in the future.
I enjoyed Larry Bilotta’s videos online and I hope people will read what I’m saying very closely ” Don’t take your spouse for granted and feel they will always be there”.
Larry is 100% correct when someone has reached the point of no return they don’t plan on coming back. Why would they? They are very tired of the same merry-go-round and starting at square one over and over again. I DO hope this helps those who are the stayers or the couple who is struggling and maybe if one marriage can be saved, it would be worth the time to write this.”
– Robert
Hi Larry, I hope you don’t mind if I ask a question. I’ve been married for 23yrs and my husband just told me he isn’t in love with me and hasn’t been for a while. He’s tried to get that feeling back, but can’t and wants a divorce. Of course, this is killing me, I don’t know what to do now or how to save this marriage. I’m wondering if he’s going through a midlife crisis, but won’t check it out. I know he’s very frustrated with our 24 yr old son, but don’t know if that could be the reason. I want nothing more then to save our marriage. Do you think my marriage can be saved and if so, what do I need to do?
Hi Lisa,
I am always open to questions! 🙂
Chances are good your husband is a Chaos Kid. (The video on this page explains what a Chaos Kid is if you’re not familiar with the idea: https://youcansavethismarriage.com/invisible-lifestyle/ )
Chaos kids play by very different rules and even though they wish they could be themselves, in their intimate relationships they cannot. They must be what they were programmed to be in their first 10 years. That means that even though you have high morals, high standards, long for your husband to love you and want to be a happy family, your husband is playing by very different rules than you. He is obeying the programs of his childhood.
The question you need to ask yourself first, is if you are willing to forgive your husband and save the marriage no matter what it takes.
There are three questions that may help you decide what you want to do:
1) Do I want my troubled husband in my life no matter what it costs me personally?
2) Am I willing to stay loyal to him in order to show a good example to our children, even as he goes through his long midlife crisis?
3) Am I willing to push away any man who would appeal to me as a lonely woman in need of loving?
If you answer three strong and confident “YES” answers to all three questions, then you have made your decision. If you answered with maybes or I hope so then you’ve also made your decision and you don’t have the staying power to go the distance with this troubled man. In that case, a divorce will be coming soon.
If you answer yes to all three questions then you will need the skills to survive the trip. I teach these skills to my students, but not everyone is willing and ready to learn what I teach.
The first step Lisa, is deciding where you want to go from here. I hope this helps.
If I knew more details about your situation, I could give you more specific advice.
If you are serious about saving your marriage or have questions for me, you can watch a video presentation and then register for a private one hour call via the link below to see if my approach is a good fit for you. I will help you make sense of your situation and so you can understand how you arrived at this point in your marriage and what you can do about it.
Watch the video presentation and schedule your private 1 hour consultation (for women) here
Thanks for your question Lisa.
– Larry
my husband and I have been married for five years together for 10 he is a chaos kid BORN IN A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY DURING A WAR, We put the cart by not going to school and having kids our finances are awful , he lives with his girl friend for five years now ,she co signed him a car and he asked me for a divorce and he has no emotion any more for me. Im a chaos kid who had no father ,he is one who had one who came by every once in while and beat him severly If he did wrong. Im very shy and introverted , WHAT DO I DO?
My husband and I have been together for 22 years and married almost 20. He’s cheated on me a few times in our marriage. He has recently left for the second time in 6 months and filed for divorce. I watched your video and realized that I am a chaos kid and so is he. Is there anyway to save this marriage and make it what it’s supposed to be?
Stacey, I have published many videos, so I’m not sure which you watched, but if you haven’t already, I would encourage you to watch the hour presentation video I created for women that answers your question: https://https://larrybilotta.com/training-class-for-women/
Larry,
I stumbled upon your videos 2 weeks ago, after my husband of 27 years told me, “I don’t love you, and I don’t think I ever will again.”
I have been watching as much as I can, taking notes and repeating them. I signed up for your 7 Ways to Stop Emails, ordered Soft Women Hard World (waiting for it to arrive), took the 5 question quiz, the Flag Test, and have been reading the free reports.
My problem–I was doing the things you are teaching, and it was working. He even said, “repairing the marriage was a long shot” (which is an improvement over impossible). And then…
Then last night I said and did everything you taught NOT to say and do. I drank too much wine, and I allowed my hurt and anger to gain control. I ranted about his going out to the club dancing, when he won’t take me dancing; The on line dating site that he joined in May; I told my brother in law and our 2 adult children that they were “chicken shits” for not calling him on his bad behavior; and so on…
Three times, he told me that I was free to go to the club and go dancing without him. I have no intention of doing that, but I was so angry, I got in the car and drove to the next town. When I got there I had calmed down. So I parked at the grocery store and called our daughter in law. She met me, took me to their house, and i spend the night.
I am embarrassed by my actions! I have apologized for drinking too much and acting badly (not for my feelings, but for letting my emotions run and control my actions).
Things were already at the Point of No Return. And from what he is saying tonight, I pushed him over the Snap Line. I am so mad at my self for sabotaging the little success I was already seeing. …But this is what I always do. I am the Chaos Kid (35 real Dad; 60 Step Dad).
He sits at about 85 on the purpose scale.
He said he was tired of fighting with me and tired of fighting for me. He knows I have found something that I think will help us. And refuses to look at any of it, and told me tonight to keep it to myself. Not to ever share revelations.
I understand, we have been to 6 different marriage counselors in our 27 years. Each one only made things worse. I told the last one, “I can screw things up all by myself, I don’t need to pay you to help me do that.”
I have heard you say “if I am committed 110%, our marriage can be saved. Even if he won’t participate.” Is this true for Chaos Kids, too? I need some hope…
Hi Amy, yes, in most cases, one or both spouses are chaos kids and I have many students who have restored their marriage, despite a troubled upbringing themselves. If you are serious about saving your marriage or have questions for me, you can watch a video presentation for women on the link below and then register for a private one hour call via the link below to see if my approach is a good fit for you. I will help you make sense of your situation and so you can understand how you arrived at this point in your marriage and what you can do about it. Private 1 hour consultation
Hi Larry,
My husband of 40 years is in MLC …5 years now and has an affair too with the same woman all those years…even thought I told him to leave the house several tames he did not…. I want to save my marriage and try to be CALM as you said …the last 14 months we did not have any communication at all….. recently 2 months ago he started doing some work at home…. and have a chat with me for necessary things… does this mean that he is awaking up and the fog leaves him… and he feels better and he will return to me ? how long i can wait ? can I approach him closer and be emotional …or he will get turned off ? Thank you .Yiota
Hi Yiota,
Your husband has been in a midlife crisis for five years now and he has had a girlfriend all those years. All those years you did not force him out of the house and you did not divorce him.
Now you are asking about your behavior with him. “Should I say or do this or that?”
The problem with behavior is that you can never figure out whether you should do or not do something. That’s because there are far too many variables in an intimate relationship to figure this out.
Instead, each thought and each feeling is a magnet. Every thought you think is magnetic and brings you what you think. For example, if you keep thinking about how fearful you are that your husband’s girlfriend is better than you, you will get more girlfriend in your husband’s life who will appear to be better than you.
If you keep thinking about how good you feel about yourself and about how valuable and important you are, you will keep getting people treating you like you are valuable and important. It is in this kind of productive thought that you magnetize events that are completely in line with the thoughts you think. But the key is good momentum. You cannot switch back and forth between destructive thoughts and productive thoughts. You need to start producing productive thoughts that make you feel good and you need to drive good momentum with those thoughts minute by minute, hour after hour, day after day. That’s when your life situation transforms and people like your husband begin treating you differently.
That’s when the fog appears to leave him and he can become more human. I have proven over and over again in my Environment Changer course that the reactive pinball person always follows the one who changes the environment. You become the Environment Changer and you will create what you want.
Larry
I was reading this and I’m going to be very honest, if I were your wife, Robert, I would be very happy that you were going to leave.
It seems like you’re very selfish and only care about your needs and wants. Your wife was ABUSED as a child, how can you not understand how she feels about that subject? She was ABUSED by someone who should have protected her. And frankly, if you knew about this problem and you weren’t okay with it, you shouldn’t have said ” I do”
Another thing, she has a speech problem, it’s not like she can control it and the poor woman is willing to go to Therapy for YOU and YOUR needs, so you’re not embarrassed and that’s not good enough for you? How sad! You should feel embarrassed by yourself, not by her!!!
It seems to me that your two problems with your wife are all about you and your selfishness.
Maybe you should be going to counseling.
Hi Larry,
I just came upon your page in a desperate Google search. My wife and I have only been married 2 years (and 7 months). We just found out she was pregnant three weeks ago at which time she was immediately decelerated from her 90mg of Latuda. She is 3 years into AA recovery and diagnosed as bipolar II with borderline personality disorder. By immediately decelerated I mean that she went from 90 to 45 to 0 in 4 days (2 days for each drop). The Latuda never fully fixed anything. No drug can. I understand that. But it had an ENORMOUS impact on her emotional dysregulation. She was also working DBT. Although, the further away we get from her Rx drop-off, the less and less she is doing her DBT work and the more and more she is saying “See?! I never needed the Latuda!”… and the more and more I am losing patience with the emotional fluctuations which am terrified 1) will have a negative impact on our unborn child with all the stress hormones she now experiences with her emotional shifts 2) she will fight ever going back on the Latuda 3) how do I survive the next eight months without giving up? Because my empathy and love and understanding are quickly eroding despite me reminding myself it is all for the child… because she can’t be on her bevy of meds (Latuda plus others) while pregnant. I don’t know how to stay strong through this. And I am terrified I will not be strong enough. I have been through the Family Connections 8 week course on living with someone with BPD. I am using the tools. But the tools are dulling as the carpenter is getting more and more exhausted. Please help.
Robert’s story does resonate. What are some ways to salvage this or is it time to part ways?
Sally, would you consider yourself the “leaving spouse” or the “staying spouse”?