Larry Bilotta

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Larry Bilotta

I hope you enjoy reading this blog post. If you want to work with me, click here.

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  • Why Stay Married to a Man Going through a Midlife Crisis?
woman contemplating divorce

Samantha’s question for Larry:

“My husband is going through a midlife crisis. He has filed for divorce. 

Help me understand why would anyone stay with someone that has these mental issues midlife crisis when all they do is opposite of what a marriage should be about. Especially considering the fact that not everyone can go through midlife crisis, therefore wouldn’t it be better to leave the person that hates and allow the mental ill person continue with their choice of divorce and free the spouse they are hurting?

I think it would be unfair to live with these people and not be loved in return. Especially if there are no duration of this crisis they are going through. I tried to help my husband and he still filed for divorce. 

Just curious as why would anyone stay with someone that doesn’t love them. Midlife crisis people hate their spouse.”

Larry’s answer for Samantha:

This is a good question.  Why should a sane and civil wife stay around trying to save a husband who has given himself to the dark side?

I have found that there are some wives who no longer see the man they married.  

He is not the man who was at the wedding.  He is more like his troubled childhood parents who you never would’ve married.  

Like father, like son

The man you did marry, did fall in love with, was nothing like his father at the time.  But the longer you stayed married to him, the more he became like his original programmer. If your own parents divorced, and you were not troubled by it, then in your brain, divorce is a good solution.  To you, it solves the problem just like it did for your own mother or father.

The women I work through my Environment Changer course still see the man they married underneath all the darkness – and they are determined to save that person.  

It is possible, but it takes a special type of woman with the strength, enough pain and determination to remain loyal and committed to getting her family back, despite the hurtful treatment by her husband.

So the question is, are you that woman or is the pain simply too much?

  • I believe in staying married.
    Would prefer it to divorce, but am realizing I may be Dealing with this for years to come. 10 years is a long time to deal with someone who looks past you. is absent. is erratic. I am starting to wonder why ‘this’ could be worth saving my marriage. He has said he is not going to snap out of it. That he doesn’t know if he wants to be with me. He is just waiting to see… He may be just starting this process or it could have started years ago with an affair. How would I know. Or is this just the person he is now?

    • Hi Michelle,
      I’ve conducted over 1,000 interviews with people in troubled marriages. Through that experience, and the comments you made about your marriage, I would guess that your husband is a chaos kid who comes from a troubled childhood himself. Your opening line is full of doubt and uncertainty about whether you should stay married at all. But you are still in the marriage which tells me that your mother endured her marriage and that’s what you saw when you were a child. That program of tolerating your marriage is in your brain and it is driving you to stay put and be full of uncertainty.

      Your husband may be doing the very same thing because it doesn’t sound like he is certain either. All of us are troubled by our childhood programs that force us to do what they force us to do. If you do not know what your programs are, they have the power to make you do what your parents did but that’s not what any of us want. None of us want the marriage of our parents. But all of us are forced to have the marriage of our parents and when the marriage of our parents, our first 10 years, is troubled, then that becomes the marriage we have in our adult life.

      I have proven it over and over again that this is true. It is just a question of who wants to be free from this robotic force that drives us all to do what our parents did. I find it unfortunate that most do not want to leave what we were programmed for. The only mistake you’re making now is still believing that you and your husband have free will. Believing that you could choose and actually have a choice. If you divorce, that programming will come with you into your next intimate relationship as I’ve seen over and over with second and third marriages. It still comes down to who wants to be free.

      Larry Bilotta

  • My husband is a Veteran and served in Afghanistan in 2003 (during which he was married to his first wife). My husband and I left our first marriages 10 years ago. I have three children and he has two. A year after dating we decided merge our families and purchase a house together. We both had our children 50/50 with their other parents. There was a lot of work to be done in those early years, financial, careers, managing the children, and our ex-spouses, but we did it. We were married 2 years ago. Did we have struggles along the way…absolutely, mostly him with my children and their listening and appreciation for what he was providing, as well as my parenting style and financial contribution to the household. We did everything together, and I believed for 9 years we had an amazing partnership and worked through just about everything that came our way.

    I know he had an affair during his first marriage, and I had concerns throughout our time together about his fidelity. He would constantly check out other women…and there were two instances when I questioned if he was having an affair – which he denied.

    We took on a relatively large remodel/addition project on our home during which time I was convinced he was having an affair with one of his employees. He would tell me I was crazy and hormonal or pre-menopausal. In August it all blew up and came out that he had been having an affair, his partners fired him…he went into a depression. I was a wreck dealing with my own emotions – I swore I would never stay with someone who would cheat on me…but I stayed. By February he had enough of my emotions and decided to move out. We were seeing a counselor together but she wanted to see us independently…now he seems to just get worse. There is no more talk of the affair and it is now focused on everything that I did not do in our marriage.

    He is 49 and I believe he is going through a mid-life crisis which he emphatically denies. I am trying to be supportive, I miss him, I love him and I am standing by. I see glimpses of him every so often. He came to the house the other day, and told me how sorry he was for how deeply he had hurt me. He does not want me to tell him how good things were or that I miss him. I have to now ask permission to call him.

    He is so focused on the negative and I am focused on the positive. I find myself now in a situation of evaluating me and my life and now believe I am in my own crisis.

    I believe his affair is over…she is married and has 2 young children…although I came across an email he wrote to a friend about his deep feelings for her a month ago…but he convinces me it is over. He mentioned divorce 1x about a month ago and nothing since. He has extreme anger and rage about the entire situation.

    I am at a loss on what to do.

  • Hi Kali,

    Your husband does sounds like many of them men who experience a midlife crisis at some point in their life. If you haven’t heard it already, I would suggest you listen to the free teleclass I held on the topic of a midlife crisis here: This will give you an idea of what to expect and help you see how and why your husband is not the man that you married while he is going through this midlife crisis.

    – Larry

  • I have a question. I can see clearly all you teach is my story exactly. My husband DID become his father after a few key events in his life at age 45. I even remember saying: “it’s like someone has put a spell upon you.” My question is this: My parents DID enjoy each other very much. They did NOT enjoy me or help me to feel valuable. I had a nice stable home in general, unlike my husband who had little order and a lot of emotional abuse. My father was a loving man who was worked a lot, but felt safe most of the time. My husband is more like my mother, who was cold and very critical. She kept my father from me by constantly being critical of all the children until he would agree with her because he adored her. So, why did I choose my husband and not a kinder man? Can I overcome this? I’m a softhearted woman (as you describe) but very devoted to my children’s well being and willing to work at this as long as it that choice is not harmful to their long-term well being. (my son is already being somewhat abusive toward me, verbally.) thanks.

    • Hi Shannon,
      You are asking a key question that everyone asked when their marriage is in trouble… “Why did I choose my husband and not a kinder man?”

      I’m going to explain something that very few people know anything about. They have no interest in the subject because they have not studied it but I learned it by interviewing over 1000 people in troubled marriages. All of us are attracted to the person with the matching childhood pain that we have. What is “matching childhood pain”? When your childhood pain matches, it means that you had a father or mother who inflicted that pain. You are attracted to the man who carries that same pain from his my father or mother. Example: your mother was cold and critical. If you look in his childhood, you will see that there was a coldness or a criticalness in a father or a mother that raised him. Cold and critical are your matching childhood pain.

      In my interviews, I found out that people who were around a person of the opposite sex when they were younger, and they did NOT have a sexual attraction to that person, it was because that man or woman did not have a matching childhood pain in their childhood. They treated those people like a brother or sister. There was no “chemistry” as we like to say. What actually creates “chemistry” is matching childhood pain. When there is an emotionally painful match in your two childhoods, there is an attraction between you. When that attraction takes place, both of you have your brains inject oxytocin, endorphins and dopamine. These are called the “love drugs” described in the National Geographic magazine article called the “Love Issue” of 2008 where they explain how love works. It really is brain chemicals.

      So you attracted a person who would challenge you, confront you, put you under pressure and, through his childhood pain in yours, create a painful learning experience. That is the nature of marriage. It is the most intense and intimate relationship designed to create learning. A very close long-term intimate relationship will teach you many things if you are ready to learn but in my years of doing this, I find that most people in these intimate relationships are NOT ready to learn. What they are ready to do, is to run away and try to find the solution in another person who will make them feel good. It’s a massive mistake that keeps being made by a massive number of people. The question is, will use make that same mistake?

      You brought up your children and as any mother would, you want to protect them from pain. But I would suggest to you that you not protect them from emotional pain but instead teach them about what pain does to help them learn. I would suggest a good book to help you and your children learn from pain is titled Ask and It Is Given by Abraham – Hicks. Look it up on It too is a great learning experience.

  • My spouse left like a bomb during the transition of our spouse to college In August 2015. He was so erratic, crazy mad and drunk. He wants to be “younger” not equate anything to him bc he would feel his age. Oh no! He is such a loser now . I would never be attracted to this loser. NEVER!! I feel so badly for our children. Filed for Divorce right away and shacked up with some bimbo from one of his previous places of employment. Then hired her to work under him while he transitioned to yet another job. Finally moved out from the bimbos pad in with us. I told him he needed to get help otherwise find his own place. Released my pent up anger on him from Months ago. went to one counseling session then said he needed inpt alcohol rehab. never continued. not communicating with family-they think he is nuts also.His parents are living with me now. He cried and said he mad such a mess of his life and did bad things. He also said he needs help multiple times. Unable to get a femla from work until one year. Personally complete loser.

  • Now has his own place. Not stable to care for our child overnight. He is not well multiple personalities show up-almost normal in the am, irritiable anxious mid afternoon then paranoid and irritable. His dad did this to his mom lasted 4 yrs. He said he just started this affair in july/august-that is a lie. Now playing the field. When will he realize or should I say mourn the loss of me? I block him from my phone. He is so not well-his mom and sister are going to testify this to keep our child safe. Hopefully he trips up at work. What will happen to bimbo. She is not the only one but I think she thinks she is? Laughable

  • Dear Larry, since my husband of 20 years akeds me for a divorce 2 months ago and sealed it with a ” I love you but im not in love with you anymore”, I’ve been frantic. Doing everything wrong. Begging pleading, playing the guilt game. Searching the internet for answers, i found you. And everything you said just makes absolutely sense. I’ve started listening reading and watching everything you have availible and used it . Today its 2 weeks later. He still has his affair going. But… He looks at me, jokes, have conversations with me. Today he even let me know where he was going and he also gave me a peek of one of the things he woukd like to do someday. Yes he still lies to me. Yes it hurts. But without your knowledge I would’ve been divorced by now, and I would be devastated. Youve helped me more to be my original me, and by becoming myself secured me I can whether the land of OZ with much more selfrespect. Thank you

  • Hello,
    My husband left me in novemeber, said he was tired of me an my issues I just found out he has been staying with another woman and having an affair the whole time. He is 42 about to he 43 I definitely think he is having a midlife crisis. He definitely is a chaos kid from what I have read. His dad cheated on his mom in the ages of 0 to 10 but they are still together. Just wondering how to cope with this a little better? We have 5 kids together and 8 total please help me?

  • Sherri L Andersen says:

    My husband and I have been married almost 35 years. I believe he’s going through a mid life crisis. He withdrew in 2014 from me and family. Left in 2015 for 14 months.Told me he wasn’t happy. I know he was seeing someone. Tried counseling, he lied through it all. We started talking, reconnecting, dating and he moved back in after 14 months. Everythng was better until I found out he was still communicating with OW.He said he would stop. Our youngest got married, cost him a lot if his savings, and he began to withdraw again. 1 month after the wedding, he told me it was too much pressure to have sex. Then he slept in a separate bed in the same room, then has his own room. Feb 4th told me screaming that he doesn’t love me. One month later, screaming,he wanted a divorce cause he never lived me for 35 years. I remained calm. Even though I was crazy on the inside. Found out he’s seeing another woman occasionally, screamed again, that it doesn’t matter cause We are getting a divorce!! I am at my wits end. I have read and listened to all of your articles. He’s a chaos kid. Father was alcoholic. But his struggles began when he was 10-16 with his father. His parents stayed together until his father’s death from alcoholism. His rage and anger and then total rejection is killing me.I wonder if your program will help?? The monstering is scary. My grown children think I am a doormat. I don’t react, I walk away. This affair is horrible though. I love my husband and want my marriage. I am a hard woman!Help!!!

  • Hi my husband of 21 yrs is going through a midlife crisis. Dont know when it really started. I knew something was wrong and I tried to talk to him to see if there was something we could fix. He said you are right we need to fix this and said we could do marriage counseling. So I started looking for one and when I did find one he gave excuses of why not to go. Then it go worse, he started being very hateful towards me. I couldn’t say nor do anything right this lasted for a couple of months. Then all physical contact ended. No touching not even by accident and to this day still no touching allowed. He said mean things to me. He has now moved on to wanting a divorce, said he was sorry for treating the way he had and that I didnt deserve that. I have said that its not happening and that I would not sign it and the hurt wife that I am I did the wrong things, I begged and pleaded. I told him we needed to seek counseling and that he was having a midlife crisis and possibly depression too. He refuses and will not listen. Told him that the only way we can move past this and start repairing us is by him finally realizing what he is going through. His ego and pride are way to big to admit he is going through a midlife crisis instead its easier to blame me for everything. Says he loves me just not in love with me anymore. How can I save this marriage before he goes down a spiraling dark road?

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